A few nights ago, I did not remember I am love. I bought into the illusion that I had to verbally fight – to be mean, combative, hurtful. That I had an enemy in the form of another person who (at that moment) radiated hatred toward me. If I were a woman easily intimidated I would have retreated – and wisely so. But since I am not that woman, either easily intimidated or always wise, I matched their loathing with my own. Eyes narrowed, I spat the words, “God, I hate you”.
I am ashamed. This is me, a grownup Black woman, Love incarnate. The woman who affirms to myself each and every day, at least once a day that I am love. Yet when pushed, challenged, I quickly forgot who I am and morphed into that person who used to look like me, that madwoman wearing my clothes.
What is really going on when we think or speak or behave in ways not aligned with our authentic selves?
As I recall, my forgetting who I am was not so quick as I first believed. Frankly, I was in a phase of self-doubt during the time of this awful confrontation. I was struggling to believe who I am in different areas of my life. These doubts manifested in various “benign” ways – in a business letter I wrote that did not exude self-confidence, in hesitating to move forward in certain areas of my life. But more significantly, that self-doubt, unattended, subconsciously extended to the belief that I am love. And perhaps, because I felt insecure in myself, in who I really am, and therefore of what I am capable, I projected that self-loathing on the other person, charging them as an imposter also, and both inciting and mirroring their rage. This disturbing incident was the culmination of weeks of self-doubt and fear. Within, I had been struggling, “What if I am not who I think I am”?
We are most dangerous when we are insecure about our true nature and capabilities. Our world becomes a reflection of our fear. We doubt our divine aspects and abilities and are perched perilously between the authentic world (a world in which we are conscious of, and experience our world from the vantage point of who we really are) and a world created by our self-imposed illusions of fear and failure and scarcity and separation. The “other” becomes our enemy, when there really is no other. Wars are fought because of this, and acts of terror and retaliation. Our fight or flight instinct is triggered. But the danger is not real; it is just our illusion. We doubt, or perhaps do not remember, who we are.
Here’s the lesson: when we leave our self-doubts and fears unattended, we become predators – our own worst enemies, and enemies of those in our orbit. We live out our fears in relationship with ourselves and with others.
We know what it is like to have a partner or loved one who is insecure and seeks to control others. Who is unhappy with him or herself so is spiteful or jealous or perpetually angry or continually in crisis and drama. And most of us have been this person at one time or another.
When self-doubt and limiting beliefs creep in, acknowledge them and deal with them right away. If you do not, you will continue to have issues with self-love and problems in relationships with others.
Every human being experiences moments of self-doubt. The key is to handle those feelings before they invade all areas of your life. Become critically self-reflective so you know when those self-doubts begin to arise. Then do not allow yourself to languish in your fear. Do something. Seek someone who can help you reaffirm who you are. Get away if you can and do self-work. Read the book that re-charges you. Gather your tribe around you to help you; not those who just comfort you where you are, but those who can help you see and believe who you really are. And pray. And meditate. Do something.
Your success and your joy and the quality of your relationships depend on you knowing and living who you are. Do not allow doubt and fear and limiting beliefs to become or continue to be the obstacles that stop you from fulfilling your dreams and your purpose in the earth. Lack, fear, scarcity, enemies – all are illusions that, if you believe them, will circumscribe you to a lesser life. You are magnificent and abundance and love and perfect peace and joy and fulfilled and whatever else is in alignment with God’s best for you. Deal with your doubts and enjoy the journey!